Did you know that when Flamingos have babies that they lose their pink color? It's true, ask Captain Google. Both male and female Flamingos can lose their pink color while raising their young since most of their food and energy go into parenthood. Birdhood? You know what I mean. I learned this a few years ago from an influender I follow named Lindsey Gurk, she's hilarious and I highly recommend checking her out.
I feel like I've finally made it to the point where I'm coming back to myself. Being a mom is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Not to mention that during my battle with severe post-partum depression I made the decision to leave my husband. Are these correlated? It's possible, but we're not here to unpack why my marriage didn't work out, that's my therapistst job.
I became a single mother of a 14 month old, which was not my plan, and that turned into the fight for my life while I went through a very messy, chaotic, hurtful divorce in the middle of a plague. By the end of my divorce, which took three brutal years to be finalized, I was taking Xanax daily, not sleeping, and had been on two grippy sock vacations.
In the last five years I've experienced insurmountable loss, including the loss of a baby that never had the chance to grow within me. Three years ago, I lost my second child before I had the chance to process that I was even pregnant. Somehow, I know deep in my soul that it was another girl, her name was Auden Jane. I think about her often and usually come up short when I try to understand what happened to me. It's not like in movies or books and sometimes it doesn't even feel real, I didn't talk about it when it happened. For many that are close to me, this will be the first time you're learning this. I called the nurse line in the middle of the night and quietly listened to her explain, then I numbly went back to my life that was crumbling around me like a house caught in a tornado.
I feel like I have been stuck in a perpetual state of mourning, but then one day I woke up and it was like I could feel the sun pulling at me like a sunflower turning into the warmth and taking a breath of fresh air. For the last five years, I have spent countless hours sitting on my therapists couch and diving deeper into the core of who I am. I finally feel like someone I can recognize in the mirror again, someone who stands her ground, faces down challenges with hope and light, who loves with every inch of her heart despite the consequences. It is not easy and there are still days that steal my breath and strength until I lay down in defeat until I'm ready to face the world again.
My daughter is my greatest gift, and has taught me so much, I'm constantly amazed by her. Everything that I make it through, is for her. I have never been more proud of the person that I am, the hurdles I have jumped, or the tears that I have drowned in to grow into the best version of myself. I'm not perfect by any means, but I no longer hide under the storm clouds that roll in, I smile as the rain pours, and dance.
To all the moms out there, you're doing an amazing job and if you don't feel like yourself right now, don't worry, you'll get your pink back.
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