I sat down to a candle lit dinner in an overpriced restaurant near my house, tucked away in the suburbs - mostly because they have my favorite dessert - and partially because I knew the chances of running into someone I would know was very small. I could be ignored in my little booth, while people dined around me and be left to my own thoughts. I overheard the couple behind me tell the server that they had just started dating, which was ironic given the words the would spill out of me into my journal while I waited on my dinner.
I'm not going to edit this much because I think sharing things in raw form is important, so if it doesn't make much sense or sounds like the musings of a bitter divorcee, that's only a little bit true. I'm not bitter, I'm confused and maybe disappointed. I've been thinking a lot about dating - now that I'm approaching my mid-thirties - dating apps, the people I've spent my time with, and what the future of my dating life looks like.
Do we run away from things out of fear of the unknown, or out of the fear of knowing? Maybe we are so used to the end result that we don't bother trying. Maybe the path is so worn and familiar that we feel like there is no alternate route once we start moving forward. The solution? Do we need one or are we stuck in the cycle of maybe this one will finally work out? Do we blame ourselves when the inevitable happens, or do we just shrug and carry on like it doesn't bother us at all?
They say that the world doesn't happen to us - that we create our reality in partnership with the universe - and that things happen for us. To help us learn and grow into someone that we are proud to face in the mirror in the morning.What if the life we are creating makes us want to hide from that reflection, rather than look it in the eyes? Maybe the person that we long to be isn't the one that shows up. I think that we have the best intentions when it comes to showing up for ourselves and others. Sometimes it just doesn't present in the way that we intend.
Despite the tragedy of wanting to love others perfectly, that's not possible, is it? Nothing is perfect, even with our best efforts, and setting ourselves up for disappointment with that expectation can be maddening. And then what? When it falls apart without warning - or at least without any warning that we want to acknowledge, who do we turn to? The ones that told us it was all going downhill or do we face it alone? Do we embrace the loneliness in a warm hug when it comes knocking at the door?
When the solitude becomes too much to bear, do we go back to our old ways or hold fast knowing that eventually being alone doesn't mean being lonely, to start the cycle again. Einstein said that insanity is the act of doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result. So are we all mad in love? We do this dance over and over with the same steps, but hoping a different song comes on. It seems like such an absurd want, to try agin and again hoping that we get a different result.
And if we do get a different result are we holding onto that so tightly that we lose sight of who we are in the collision? Do we consequently compromise ourselves in this insane pursuit of someone to show the world that we are lovable?
Is is just one long journey of trying to prove a point?
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