Anyone that knows me, knows that I cry a lot. At movies, commercials, songs, when I’m angry, frustrated, happy, all of it, I cry. I didn’t cry at my wedding. I couldn’t even form the word ‘yes’ when my now ex-husband asked me to marry him. I knew it was happening the day that he asked, but there was no excitement, no overwhelming feeling, other than terror, as I enthusiastically shook my head in response, and pulled him in to kiss me. Let’s rewind for a minute, I’d like to explain why I’m laying out the saga of my divorce for the internet to casually read with their morning coffee.
I got married when I was 27, at the height of my friends planning their own weddings, or expecting their first babies. There was a lot of pressure, we had been together “long enough,”and it was the next logical step in our relationship. My ex-husband and I had talked about getting married for maybe a year before he finally proposed. We had made some informal plans, knew we wanted a late summer wedding, outside, small-ish, you get it. It was a sure thing, at least that’s what I thought. When you’ve made it that far into the relationship, you’ve talked about these things, how do you say no? How do you suddenly change your mind? We didn’t necessarily have a bad relationship, normal ups and downs, I did love him, and I thought that I wanted to marry him.
Looking back there were a lot of warning signs that I brushed aside, this was my best friend after all. The one who had been there to support me through some of the hardest days I had faced, and encouraged me to run at my dreams in full sprint. Checked all of life’s annoying little boxes. (Something I would later tell my therapist). How do you tell someone that you loved with so much of yourself, that you didn’t in fact, want to spend the rest of your life with them? You don’t, or at least, I couldn’t, it felt like it was too late.
After the uninspiring proposal, planning started in full force, then deposits were made, and suddenly there was a dress hanging in the closet. Some ridiculous amount of thousands of dollars later, it was my wedding day. I wasn’t excited the week leading up to my wedding. I googled and researched and tried to find any explanation as to why I wasn’t drowning in pre-wedding bliss. I read so many articles that could easily explain this away, and convinced myself that it was just because we were so comfortable in our relationship that the wedding just made it all official. Whatever the hell that actually means.
My wedding day felt like any other day, nothing big, or exciting, I wasn’t even nervous. Terrible, right? I could have walked away at any time before I made my way down the aisle to my favorite classical song. I was scared, embarrassed, and the money was already spent. I kept thinking things would be different once were married, my ex would finally level up to be the person I actually needed him to be at that point in our relationship.
The fact of the matter is, my relationship should have ended before the inevitable divorce that I am still going through. It wasn’t fair to me and it wasn’t fair to him. No matter how hard it would have been to call off the engagement, or wedding, or leave before it even made it to either of those moments. When I finally started to open up and talk about this with my family and friends, none of them were surprised that I had been feeling this way, and knew that I shouldn’t have married this person.
Never in a million years have I considered asking a friend if they felt really sure, or ready to marry their partner. I think it’s time that we start creating that kind of space for the people we love. It’s okay to change your mind, and it’s okay to end things on any terms that result in your longterm happiness. If anyone would have approached me and asked me how I was feeling, or what I was thinking, things may have turned out completely different. Ending relationships for any reason is complicated, messy, and I tell this story so that if there’s someone out there frantically googling the way that I was, that they might find this, and know that it’s okay to walk away.
If a relationship is no longer serving you in the way that you need to be supported to grow, you can end it at any time, it’s never too late. You also never have to settle for something simply for timing purposes, live your life and the things that are meant to find you, will find you exactly when they should.
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